I wish weight loss was never the goal when I started my journey in 2015. Of course, I wanted to feel good overall but my main goal was to look good and have more confidence. You may beg to differ, but in my eyes, that is the same thing as weight loss. In fact, I wish I would have started this journey with one goal in mind; get to the root of my unhealthy eating habits and change them.
I have always had a bad relationship with food. Even in elementary school. I clearly remember the days I went to PrimeTime in the afternoon while I waited for my mom to pick me up. For whatever reason, I was chosen with a couple of other kids to grab snacks out of the cafeteria. After we got what we needed, I would always lag behind the group and stay in the cafeteria just to stuff my face with tater tots, peanut butter and jelly graham cracker sandwiches (I seriously want one of these right now lol) and whatever else the cafeteria ladies left in the kitchen. The saddest part of all is I would still eat a snack once I got back to class with the rest of the group.
And then there were the days that seemed to have lasted all throughout middle school where I binged almost every night. Like clockwork, I woke up around 2am just to eat a crap load of junk. Cold pizza, sweets, soda, leftovers, Oatmeal Pies—if it was in the fridge, I ate it, along with a three (3) bread turkey sandwich. Man, was my self-esteem low because of all the weight I had gained.
Now, I am not telling you this to get pity or anything of the sort. I guess I am writing this because I am finally coming to the realization that there is a problem behind my eating that has yet to be surfaced.
This is not just a weight loss journey for me anymore. It is a life-long journey of healing: physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. As time goes by, I continue to learn something new about myself. For instance: Within the past 6 months, I realize the vicious cycle I have placed myself in. One minute I would drink alcohol because I was depressed and used it as a way of escape from reality. The next season, I abused a certain substance (which I am not yet ready to share with all you lovely readers) just because I didn’t like the weight gain that came with too many nights of drinking, and it satisfied my boredom. Although, I am ashamed to admit that this vicious cycle lasted for YEARS, I am blessed to say that God has delivered me from them both! Thank you Jesus! Unfortunately though, I replaced the two habits with emotional and unmindful eating.
I recently discovered my purpose in life—or shall I say, one of the things that God has planned for me. But I am starting to realize that it cannot come to pass until I nip this bad eating habit in the bud.
In Joyce Meyer’s book “Good Health, Good Life”, she wrote something that hit me like a ton of bricks. It says,
“Whether a person’s weakness is overeating, some type of substance addiction, or simply a pattern of poor personal maintenance, he or she is in bondage and unable to lead the life God intends until these things are broken and dealt with.”
I have never looked at it from Joyce’s point of view until recently. I mean, seriously, how can one become all God wants them to be without breaking bad habits and things that hold them in bondage? It’s like patching up an old torn shirt with a new garment. It just doesn’t make any sense.
God has an awesome plan for me and you. But in order for it to come to pass and become all that He wants me to be, I have to break free from my old destructive eating habits and start living the new and exciting life of freedom He has for me.
But, as I have constantly asked myself (which I am sure you are too), where do I start in order to get where God wants me to be? Good question. I seriously do not know. I wish I had the golden solution to my problem but I honestly don’t.
I know you may be saying, “God is the answer to all your problems.”
Which is definitely true, but I believe we have to be willing to help ourselves first while knowing God will do the rest. We cannot expect God to do every single thing for us without ever playing a part in the process or experiencing discomfort. There is no growth in that. For me personally, I am willing to fight my battles with God by my side to become a stronger woman and learn whatever He wants to teach me through the process.
So, although I may be struggling with this unhealthy eating habit right now, I trust and believe with every part of my soul that it will eventually be used for good and help many others. And call me crazy, but I also believe that this struggle is just confirmation of God’s plan for my life because I see the enemy trying his hardest to keep me in bondage and going around the same mountain. It may appear that the enemy is winning, but in my heart, I know the battle has already been won! Amen!