I’m not sure who this message is for exactly, but I am hoping someone out there reads this and receives the healing and comfort they need–someone going through what I went through and sometimes still go through. Someone like me.
Someone who doesn’t remember the last time they didn’t have to force a smile.
This message is also for the stay-at-home moms that may feel unappreciated or robotic. The moms who feel like they’ve lost themselves and don’t know where to start to find out who they are.
Whoever you may be, I am talking to YOU!
HAVE HOPE BECAUSE THINGS WILL CHANGE.
I would like to share my journey with you which by the way, is still in the process of being written. The Lord has been SO good to me these last few weeks!
But I am getting ahead of myself, so allow me to start from the beginning.
A couple of months ago, I felt very down. Depressed is what the psychiatrist labeled me. One minute I felt fine (which really wasn’t fine at all) and the next minute I found myself calling my doctor’s office to schedule my first therapy appointment.
You see, I never thought anything was wrong because I figured being numb, emotionless, robotic, and discontent was just my new personality. I assumed that growing up and becoming a mom at a 18 made me mature fast and lose the silly, goofy personality I once had.
I was wrong.
It was like one morning I had a slap in the face that said, “You are not meant to live life this way.”
And for the first time ever, I believed that.
I knew I wasn’t put on this earth to just go through the motions. I knew I did not deserve to have to force a smile or laugh all the time. And most importantly, I knew there was something else waiting for me on the other side of those constant gray clouds.
Publicly, this is only the second time talking about my depression and anxiety. For the longest I kept it silent because I felt people would not understand or relate. I assumed people would label me as “crazy” or “over exaggerating.” I didn’t want to disclose how I felt out of fear that others would look at me differently.
But I now see that those thoughts are wrong.
I am choosing to share my testimony in hopes to shed some light in someone else’s darkness.
So let’s jump right into it….
Over a weekend, I mentally prepared myself to wake up early Monday morning before my kids and spend time with God. I was tired of doing things my way. I was fed up with allowing my fleshly desires to win. I was done with feeling empty. Even though the way I felt was bad, the good thing in all this was that I knew Jesus was the only one who could fill that void and make me whole.
Since that first day I started, I haven’t looked back.
Each morning, I look forward to being in his presence. I journal to him, read my word, listen to my worship music while I give him praise, and cry out to him when needed. Of course, every day hasn’t been perfect but within the few weeks of starting, God has already showed up and showed out! Being in his presence throughout the day has revealed his love for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have always known that God loves me but I have never felt it the way I do now.
It is so greatly immeasurable and brings me so much peace and joy every single day. Knowing how much God loves me gives me the strength through the most trying days. His love is unconditional, sufficient, and everlasting.
To know that someone loves you so much that he would rather send his one and only Son to die for you than to live without you is just….AMAZING!
Because of his love, I feel myself changing on the inside. Overall, I feel positive and crave to do better each and every day. And now I am starting to see the temptations and little annoyances that the enemy place in my path to get under my skin and cause me to stumble. But with God’s Word, he has already equipped me to pass each and every test. I just have to stand firm and keep trying my best while He does the rest. And even when I fail, because it’s inevitable, I am quick to repent and God is even quicker to forgive.
Starting my walk with God has given me my life back. That is the first time I’ve been able to say that. I feel like I have a purpose now. And because of his revelation, I enjoy my days more, smile more, laugh more, play more, and most importantly, I am learning to trust Him more. All praise and Glory goes to the Most High God! Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I refuse to live life worrying, in fear, being doubtful, sad, depressed, or letting my husband’s clothes he leaves on the floor annoy me LOL. I am deciding to enjoy every single day of my life without letting my emotions dictate anything. And you can do the same! Please remember: Having a personal relationship with God doesn’t mean all your problems will go away. Nope, not at all. It just means, with Him by your side, you can go through anything in life and still enjoy every single moment—good and bad.
My newfound walk with Jesus Christ has also encouraged me to go to church last week. That right there is another way I believe He’s working in my life because I haven’t been to church in YEARS. I want my relationship with Him to be consistent and a top priority so I made the decision to surround myself with other believers.
The church I visited is not my home church, but I will continue to search for it until God makes it known that I’m where he wants me to be in order to get the most out of what is being taught. Wherever that is, I am praying that I really feel His presence!
I encourage anyone who is reading this blog to having a close relationship with God. Because the more you seek Him, the more He promises to reveal himself to you on a daily basis. And the more time you spend getting to know Jesus, the more light he will shine in your darkness! A dramatic change may not happen overnight but trust me when I say you will wake up one day, look back and see how far you have come.
Don’t just read His word and go about your day. Write scriptures that stick out to you on notecards/sticky notes, and meditate on them throughout the day.
There is power in the name of Jesus and anything you are battling, he heals through His Word.
I pray that God shows up in your life, whomever you may be, as your embark on your journey with Him. I also ask that he gives you the strength to keep going no matter how hard things may be right now. In the midst of your difficulties, just remember that you are never alone and things will not always be this way.